Jared

Man Law

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 02:36:35 GMT

To add more to what jakflak has posted on man law here are some more:

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.

33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).

44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.

52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.

64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...

68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)

* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:49:02 GMT

Today I was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant. Only took me 10 tries to get it but the wait was worth it.

Hopefully this will be my new home

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:07:27 GMT

The time has come and I am looking to buy my first home. It is a nice 2 bed 1 bath home, with central heat and air, large fenced in back yard. It has an over sized 1 car garage which will be perfect for me so I can park my motorcycle in side, and a large 2 car carport. Here is a link to the showing. http://www.bigcountryrealty.com/property/378395. If it does not take you to the house check for listing under $100K and it is 203 cherry street. I have set up to see it on Saturday and if it is nice I am going to offer them $50K. They are asking $55K but with how the market is I am going to try and get it for $50K, if they take it great if not well I will see how much they are willing to knock off the price of the house.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:09:29 GMT

To the person who stated this fire http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090907/ap_on_re_us/us_wildfires

May you burn in hell

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:55:39 GMT

Alright I have not said one thing about the Poker run the prison is going to have so now it is time for me to post about it.

The poker run is September 12, 2009. To Benefit Scholarship Fund For Local High School Graduates
Open To All Vehicles with priority given to motorcycles and classic cars.

Here is a copy of the radio advertisement we have playing.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:28:33 GMT

Over 7 years of not going to a dentist has finally caught up with me. Today I went to a dentist because I am in need of a good cleaning and also because I have 2 teeth that I know are broken. The dentist took x-rays and the news was not good. Even with brushing my teeth like I am supposed to, I never use floss. Well that has caused some breaking down of my teeth. The two teeth that are broken I am going to have to get a root canal done on them. Oh what fun. So from now on I am going to be getting my 6 month check ups done so that I can avoid this in the future.

Tomorrow I should have word on if I am a Lieutenant or not. It would be very nice to make Lieutenant as the pay would be a little bit more, but at the same time I would not make Overtime so it would be a pay cut.

Motorcycle Class

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 00:35:50 GMT

Day one and two of the Motorcycle Safety Foundation class are done. http://www.msf-usa.org

Day one was yesterday from 1830 to 2130 it was all classroom stuff. Reading over stuff in the book and watching videos.

Day two was today, today we got some hands on butts on the bikes. We did lots of different stuff. Learn how the clutch works. Ride in first gear giving it a little throttle from this little cone to this little cone. Ride along a straight path and shift to second gear. After shifting to second gear down shift, then gain speed and up shift. Ride around in a circle in first gear up shift to second, slow on corners speed up on straight way. Learn to lean to turn. Learn to cut back and forth between cones. Learn to emergency stop. After all that we did more classroom stuff. Tomorrow we do more on the bike stuff.

Monday I will take my road test and I will then have my Class A license with a motorcycle endorsement.

I want to ride my bike so bad. The poor thing is sitting at home in the garage covered up not able to be rode. I am so ready to ride it. I am sure if you could have seen under my helmet I would have been smiling from ear to ear. It was so cool to be riding a bike.

All Dog's go to heaven

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 21:37:28 GMT

Found on one of the many message boards that I lurk on.

My Motorcycle

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 22:47:36 GMT

Here are some pictures of my motorcycle that I own.

This is a front view:

This is a back/side view

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 04:54:34 GMT

I just got back from the 4th of July fire work display the city puts on. Tomorrow I will upload a video of it. Those of you with dial-up (not sure if any of my friends are still in the dark age of internet may not want to watch it.)

Other than that I am off to bed, up for 20 hours yesterday only got 5 hours of sleep, and at this point I have been up for 17 hours.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 23:48:29 GMT

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

QuizUniverse.com

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:16:46 GMT

I got my motorcycle today. I drove to Raton and picked it up. Now I just have to take the time to take it off the trailer and ride it. Pictures to come soon.

Wow what a news story

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:01:14 GMT

Severe Storm Hits Amarillo
Reported by: Ashley Pontius

Thursday, Jun 4, 2009 @08:06pm CST

A storm system moved through Amarillo Thursday evening dumping rain.

I did not even alter it that is exactly how it was posted on their web site.

Still have to have home phone and internet

Mon, 25 May 2009 22:59:10 GMT

Stupid Alltel lied to me when they said that I would be able to get great internet in Clayton. I am not able to get crap. The service I get from them is slower then dial up it sucks.

No more home phone or home intraweb

Sun, 24 May 2009 21:43:13 GMT

On Tuesday I will no longer have a home phone or home internet, everything is going to be done through alltel. I am able to get my cell phone and internet and a cell phone and internet for my dad for $260.00 a month. Right now we are paying almost $300.00 for cell phones, home phones and internet as it is.

Wyndham Rewards Save Summer

Sat, 23 May 2009 17:36:33 GMT

Mock Prison Riot

Thu, 21 May 2009 01:32:43 GMT

I am going to have to see if I can get off for this next year. I think this will be a lot of fun and it will provide an opportunity for some excellent training.

http://mockprisonriot.org/MPR/INDEX.ASPX

I passed

Fri, 15 May 2009 16:07:57 GMT

Quiz School - Try this quiz and get your own certificate

Fri, 01 May 2009 15:30:52 GMT

Alan Jackson Sissy's Song

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:53:04 GMT

This is the song that was played at my Aunt's funeral services, it is such a great song.

Alan wrote this song following the death of a woman who worked for him and who the Jacksons saw every day. She was just a real sweet young woman, he said. The sudden death of someone so young who we saw every day was really hard on me and all of us. I didnt sleep for a while. I just didn't feel right. I sat down one day and wrote this song and after that I felt alright.

Afterwards, Jackson went into the studio and with Keith Stegall he made the recording with just guitar and vocals and gave it to the family for the funeral.

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Blizzard of 2009

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 10:35:14 GMT

Well we are digging out from the blizzard of 2009. All winter long we had little to no snow I mean less then 6 inches. Then on Thursday the 26th of March we got over a foot and had winds that where between 50 to 65 miles per hour. I was stuck at work for 2 days, unable to leave.

Here is a video of the blizzard

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 22:24:32 GMT

I bought me a new gun yesterday. Now you are not allowed to laugh at how ugly it is. I do not care how ugly the gun it I like it because it was cheap to buy.

I only paid $189.00 for it.

Life in a prison

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 11:17:06 GMT

Alright it has been a long time between updates. Lets see what has been going on in this small part of the world.

We had an Inmate break a fire sprinkler at work the other night. That was a lot of fun. The stupid fire alarms where going off for over an hour. They were going off for one hour and twenty-two minutes to be exact. Yea that was a lot of fun. I swear I was about to go deaf from them. The stupid inmate did it because he was pissed off at the day shift Segregation Sergeant. This woman has no business being any where near the Segregation unit, let alone as a Sergeant, but what are you going to do. The Inmate also did it because he got a marriage annulment from his wife in the mail that day. So a combination of everything he figured break the fire sprinkler see what happens. Well what happened was lots and lots of nasty cold water started to come out of the hole that was now in the wall. He will not get to pay for about 3 hours of clean up at a rate of $12.41 an hour. He will get to pay for maintenance call out at time and a half for about 1.5 hours. He will get paid for the Fire Safety Officer to come out at time and a half for about 1.5 hours. He will get to pay for a fire department response, because we had to cut the water to the fire suppression system to replace the fire sprinkler. He will get to pay for a new fire sprinkler head. He will also get to pay for all the water that came out of the hole he made. He will also get to pay to have the electrical system to be fixed because he caused part of the power system to go down when the water got into the electrical system. Also he killed the phone system and the phone in segregation because water got into it. All in all he will probably owe about $1,000 - $2, 000

They also said who got the Lieutenants position. The result of it is as follows.

Dear David:
We were very pleased to have the opportunity to interview you for the position of Lieutenant. We have, however, chosen another candidate for the position.

Please inform the HR Specialist at (575) 374-4005, ext. 1203 if you have any updates regarding experience or education that you would like to include with your personnel file; or if you should have any questions.

We encourage you to apply again for other position(s) for which you are qualified, and that are of interest to you; here at the facility.

Again, thank you for your time and interest.

Yep the good old Screw you letter.

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 01:59:18 GMT

Happy Birthday jakflak

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 07:05:12 GMT